I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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