I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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