so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Randomize
