Tell her she can't have a vagina
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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