Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
