can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
