Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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