I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
