i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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