I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I look better un-naked...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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