The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
