So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
