I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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