dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
