This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
