Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
