Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
