You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
wanna go halves on a baby?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Still dying that you shit outside
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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