chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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