A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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