There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
