He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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