I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
