My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
