If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
