if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm just crazy horny about you
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
