Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Randomize
