Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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