I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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