I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
