bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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