It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Randomize
