He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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