I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
