Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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