Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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