I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
