She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
