Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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