ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
