Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
