So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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