Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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