He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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