I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
