Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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