My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
