I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
