Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
