9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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