i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
