my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
