I think I died a long time ago.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Threesome in a minivan. New low
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
