Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
