So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
