Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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