Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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