So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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