This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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