Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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