yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
