So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
