He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize